i forgive myself for not understanding

Tips for using forgiveness meditation to access jhana, increase agency, ...

Forgiveness meditation has helped me access bliss states, sunset inner critic loops, and show up better in relationships. I've seen a handful of people cry cathartically for the first time in years from forgiveness meditation. It's a part of Jhourney's curriculum—a data-driven, jhana meditation startup. They're for-profit. They're not going to keep teaching things that don't help people experience what they're selling: joy and beyond.

Here's what has helped me build the skill of forgiveness.

How to find things to forgive

I don't know what to forgive. I have nothing left to forgive. Well, is there anything in your life or in this world that you're not okay with? That's an opportunity for forgiveness. Maybe there's nothing about yourself that you need to forgive, but can you forgive everyone else for not meeting your standards? This can often surface more trailheads for feeling things that we've been unconsciously pushing down. Point forgiveness at the reaction that's happening. Try forgiving yourself for not having anything to forgive. Not because it's wrong, but because there may be part of you that's not okay with not having anything to forgive.

Say stuff out loud

It can be helpful to say some statements out loud. Cycle through the different categories of your life: relationships, career, learning, community, contribution, nature, whatever. Say things like I hold no anger in towards my family. I hold no fear in my career. I have no sadness about how I act in romance. Say so and wait to see if anything emerges, if any part of you objects to those statements. Some part of you might come up and say actually yes you do have anger, here's something from your childhood that can be forgiven. Or for some minutes, repeatedly say out loud one of bio-emotive's nine core feeling statements. I feel inadequate. I feel inadequate. I feel... And pause. Silence creates safety for what's been suppressed.

Point forgiveness at reactions

Often there are reactions to the process itself that arise, like objections to doing forgiveness meditation. There's annoyance about the particular phrase you're using. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I don't think what I'm doing is wrong. Try forgiving that annoyance. There's an expectation that forgiveness is supposed to create some giant emotional release. Forgive that expectation. There's fear that if I forgive my lackluster results, then I'll never get anywhere. There’s fear that if I forgive this person, then I won’t have good boundaries. Forgive the fear that's coming up. All these reactions are okay. But I’ve never seen forgiveness reduce agency or disable people from setting healthy boundaries, only the opposite. Forgiveness just helps to let reactions come and go because it gives permission for the system to feel those emotions more fully. When they're felt, then they can dissipate. If you feel stuck in forgiveness or other types of meditation, what's the meta-level reaction that's happening? How do I feel about the process? And that can be forgiven.

Guess

If there's lack of confidence about anything you're doing in forgiveness, you can just guess. If you're going over some tough memories and say fear surfaces. What do you forgive? You can forgive the fear itself, as if you can point it directly at the emotion. Maybe it doesn't feel like it in the moment, but in the past you've noticed a subtle expectation that using forgiveness will disappear the not okay thing. Just guess. Forgive that expectation proactively. You can forgive any resistance to the fear, any parts of you that may not like the fear. Play around with whatever variations you can come up with. Perhaps you don't see any part of you that resists the fear, but you can just guess about what might be there. And if you have a parts work background, it's not necessary to start an involved process of dialogue with parts. It can be nice to play with varying degrees of fabrication. A nonverbal confidence that whatever little forgiveness phrases you drop into the depths are heard by every part of you.

Moving to subtler experience

Try moving from more complicated, involved mental experience to less so. To start, it can be helpful to really visualize situations ripe for forgiveness, to see the people we're forgiving standing before us, to call up rich memory. Sounds and stories. But maybe the forgiveness phrases can simplify. I forgive John for drinking milk directly from the jug when he first met my parents. And then I forgive John. Maybe simplify again to forgiven, forgiven, forgiven. Can you notice any mental movement that comes with the phrases? Maybe there's something about your attention that reaches out into the center of the tough feeling and lets go. Can you do that mental move without the phrases? Can that intention of release be done by itself, nonverbally? On any tension in experience? Forgiveness meditation done in this way can lead directly to the fourth jhana.

Pair it with positivity

Forgiveness and enjoyment practices feed into each other. Any gains made in one area benefit the other. If we’re overflowing with gratitude and joy, we feel much more resourced to venture into tough emotional territory. And it can be surprising how much more easily joy flows after 20 minutes of forgiveness. Gratitude can even erupt on its own during forgiveness practice. Breath in gratitude, breath out forgiveness, or whatever pace feels easy. Start with a forgiveness meditation before doing loving-kindness practice. Switch between them every fifteen minutes. What experiments would you be most curious about? Sometimes folks have a big emotional release from forgiveness meditation, and start chasing down more and more of their tension to dissolve with forgiveness. Instead, I believe it’s more effective to continually test how forgiveness practice and any other integration practice affects our access to joy, because balancing an integration practice with the jhanas is a faster way to greater wellbeing and positive change.

Forgiveness resources

I’ve listened to Delson’s guided forgiveness meditation many, many times. I was introduced to forgiveness meditation on my first Jhourney retreat, and I think doing forgiveness meditation when we have much more collectedness of mind (from meditating all day for several days) is a rare opportunity. Just fyi, sometimes I work for Jhourney, so I’m biased :D. Lately I’ve been having fun doing interactive, guided meditations with people to help them learn forgiveness, the jhanas, and more. You can book a call here if that interests you.

Disclaimer

This post is about what’s helped me and some others. I’m just some guy, not a licensed anything, not an authority. It’s your adventure.